Partying it Up and Illegal Dealings || POBAL

By Anniedora Etiobi - 2.4.18

Its 3:32 and I feel like if I don't write this I wont write it ever again. I'm currently listening to Lana Del Rey's Love.

Its taken everything for me to come to terms with why I couldn't write freely anymore. I didnt want to be confronted with the truth. I've been having the time of my life at this cyclic party, on some days I didn't attend said party but on most days I was there, cup in hand sashaying across the ballroom excited about the attention I was getting. The lights, the glamour, the endless attention
to ALL my problems. I would whine and it would feel okay, complain and be fed drinks of how I was just a slow healer. I'd have all these ideas but then I wouldn't follow through with them. It finally dawned on me, I had been the celebrant and guest of honour at my own pity party.
At first I thought my bipolar disorder was the culprit and why I didn't want to create or style pictures or anything social media. Given that social media is a soul sucking beast and if you don't have a thick skin you will compare yourself into a quick depression.
Its super easy to scream positive vibes all over the place but did I really feel positive? No shot I started getting jealous at people I didn't know, comparing myself with them...all the while cautioning myself that this wasn't right.
Till today I am terrified of Instagram because of my anxiety that I had adopted from someone with low self esteem.. I started to get paranoid about posting, what if I don't get up to 300 likes and follows? Horrible, I know...I hope to fix that soon. I finally get it now what the slogan "Get out of your way" stands for or means.
I keep getting great ideas for content, content that I want to share, personal experiences, content that I'm more passionate about but there is this fear of "What if people don't like it" or they don't respond to it well. What if I'm judged... Well, what if? Truth is and I've heard this a lot of times- these are just probabilities that will never be confirmed if I don't take the plunge and just do it. 
Truth is the fact that I have been plagued by my own thoughts telling me, no, scratch that, yelling at me to share content that I'm more passionate about and to develop a thick skin towards the critics and myself even means that i really need to sit up on this platform. I created Lemonade Society as an outlet to teach and self medicate, to celebrate others and build a community means that I have to put in effort and show up. 
I need to free myself from my Damn Self. The paranoia is definitely just in my head.
I've had to remind myself everytime that "Gurl, nobody give a damn bout you." So this is me trying really hard, I'm not joking...its 2:42am on 30th of March completing this post and Jesus knows when I'm going to post it.

This is just a heads up as I'm still conflicted on how to go about this new journey but I guess, I'll just walk until I find a car then drive till I get a boat, basically move forward AFRAID AND CONFUSED, only knowing where I'm headed even though the way there might seem unclear rn...thank you, if you read this all the way to the end. You rock??

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2 Thoughts

  1. I started my blog when I was in JSS 2/ Year 8 and I hid it from most people until I graduated high school.And even now, I still cringe a bit when I share my posts on Twitter or Instagram because I'm afraid of people judging me or something. It can be really uncomfortable putting yourself out there but we can't not live our lives and follow our passions because of fear of what people will say. Easier said than done trust me, but just keep taking it one step at a time :)

    Coco Bella Blog

    1. Im so glad I'm not the only one who feels the same way. Its super scary for me, giving people a look into my thoughts and ideas.

      Thank you for being such an amaxing sport Demi😘😘


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